If you found this post, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you want to find answers and possibly save your marriage or relationship from dying.
Whats the bad news? Well, your significant other may be ready to leave you.
So, to make sure you get answers, and they don't leave. Read this post, it honestly only takes about 10-15 minutes of your time. But first, let me ask you these questions below.
- Are you entrepreneur?
- Are you a businessman/woman?
- Are you to busy for your significant other?
- Maybe you are debating on whether to leave your partner.
- Possibly you broke or they broke trust in your relationship and you are looking for answers
Whatever it is, I guarentee this may cover it!
Recently I took the time to listen to a podcast done by Lewis featuring Esther on his podcast called, "The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship".
I came upon this podcast because of arguments that occur throughout my personal relationship and I often find myself looking for not just an answer, but the right answer, backed up by science, facts, and whatever else can back up my logic.
Throughout the podcast, I kept hearing things that related to business, and also how it could balance business with relationships for people.
If you are married, or in a relationship, and are an entrepreneur/business-owner. This review will change your perspective on how to go about them.
I've been in a committed relationship for about two and a half years now. I know it's not much compared to most relationships. But it's definitely enough to experience the same frustrations, Since we have been living together for 2 years+.
Very quickly after hearing what Lewis and Esther had to say and realizing how it relates, changed our relationship for the better. So this blog is also from my personal take as well.
Table of Contents
1. Questions that were asked
2. What they went over
3. How it relates to business
4. Personal insight/How you can manage balance
Question #1: What are the core reasons that end a relationship?
What they went over
Lewis had asked this question first in his podcast. To sum it up, Esther had said there are four things that lead to the death of a relationship.
Indifference - When you feel your partner does not care anymore or you yourself does not care. You simply are degrading your partner by showing no emotion
Contempt - This is worst of them, Esther says: Essentially making your partner feel worthless, meaningless, sometimes it's even by just giving a simple look at them and watching them fall apart.
Neglect - The feeling of no attention, and lack of care from your partner
Violence - This is shown at any level of violence, even micro-aggression, and passive aggressive count.
Esther gives an example of how most people in relationships talk nicer to people than anyone else but their partner in a relationship.
The reason for this is because you can't get away with talking down or emotionally to people you don't know as well.
Your partner you feel is going to be there anyways regardless of how you talk to them because you have made that connection. This is another way of saying it's just like family she says. Different from family though, it's a romantic and meaningful one instead.
Another thing they attack on and go over is keeping desire in a relationship. Esther says that when it comes to relationships. Women tend to get bored in a monogamous relationship faster than men. That was backed up by facts and research she says. While men tend to stay interested longer, possibly due to the fact we love the journey and process once we mature.
The reason why women get bored faster in a committed relationship: is due to not being bored with sex, but being bored with sex that they can have in there committed relationships. Emotional risk is what was once there but is now lost you could say.
It's not about the sex, it's about the foreplay. "The game" as Lewis Howes replies.
My personal opinion on as to why men stay on longer in a committed relationship: is mainly geared towards business and entrepreneurship driven men. It's due to the men that have a direction and want to build a life with someone. Sort of like a king finding his queen. However; romance can be easily lost if the man is focused on building his business or his dream more than focusing on his relationship.
That is where love and balance can be lost.
Then she goes into defining desire in relationships: Desire in relationships is when one party needs to say "I turn myself off when". Not "You turn me off when".
Meaning if you handle a lot of calls, or if you need to handle a lot of emails and your partner does not understand and is wanting your attention.
Saying "I turn myself off when I'm writing" or "doing work" is an amazing way to communicate to your partner.
The biggest turn on they go over that anyone can have is "Confidence". The most attractive trait any partner could have.
Desire is about wanting you. While love is about wanting and needing you.
How it relates to business
This relates to business in a few different ways, your relationship, especially nowadays in a metaphors sense, is like a business.
She goes into saying if your partner and you are having an argument. Your defense may be for example: Your partner is needing your attention and you may be in the middle of something like busy work. You might say "This is important, I need to get this done", but what needs to be realized is that "if your relationship was your business, would your partners needs be important to you?".
Personal Insight/ How to find balance
My personal thoughts, even though I gave some personal insight above when talking about the desire in the relationship, are that I agree 100%.
However; finding balance between business and your relationship is something that is a choice. Just like job satisfaction and any other relationship. It takes time. You need to be willing to make the choice to invest your efforts.
A relationship is not always going to be 50/50, rarely ever until retirement probably. But knowing that some weeks it's going to be 80/20 and other weeks it's going to be 20/80 are important.
Question #2: Why is the simple feeling of loving & caring not enough?
What they went over
Basically, Esther goes into saying "as human nature changes, so do we". We become more complex as time goes on.
It seems like we live in a "network society" she says. Before relationships were based on "traditional societies".
In a traditional society: Which is still around in the world today in most countries, are based on clear rules, obligations, and also have structure. Example: Men knew what they could ask their wives, women knew what they could not tell, and children knew their place. And all was regulated in a "traditional society".
In a network society: It's always about negotiation. Communication is also lose-ended and rules are lost. You determine your own rules.
She compares and goes into how work and relationships are the exact same when it comes to the needs in both categories.
How in relationships: we want passion, for it be transformative, and transcendent. There is meaning and purpose.
Nowadays in the world of work and business: We want it to have meaning, passion, and purpose behind not just what we do, but who and what we do it for.
How it relates to business
This relates to business in the simple fact that. Your relationship & your work/business should reflect the same intensity when you are with your partner.
Your passion should not only help you transform and learn through your work/business, but also help strengthen your relationship just as equally.
That all comes down to you making the choice to not just give effort in the office, but also giving effort during the relationship as well.
Personal Insight/ How can you manage balance
I personally realized and related to this question, as well as answer. I would come home from work and view my relationship as a chore, and not a value. I felt I was clocking back in as soon as I came home and that was the absolute wrong mindset to bring to the table. It raised my stress levels not just at work sometimes, but as I was home as well.
I realized if you work and combine your efforts into a healthy relationship. It lowers your stress and you realize you are building towards something more than just a business, but a successful relationship at the same time.
There was a quote by a post I saw on instagram recently, I don't know who it was who said it, but I remember what it said.
"I asked a billionaire once, what he did to become successful. He said he focused on the one girl rather than the many".
Question #3: Why do affairs happen in relationships?
To answer this question, Esther goes into saying affairs have to be looked at as a duel perspective. It's never one-sided in a relationship.
At the heart of affairs, there is betrayal, there is hurt, and there is also longing. And longing can mean a lot of things. Whether it's longing for connection, sex, intensity, because in the end it can make one partner feel dead if that longing is there.
Now, "How do we get what we are longing out of our partners?" Lewis asked.
Esther replied with essentially saying, In relationships, what once attracted them before. Isn't likely what it was now. After work, your partner is probably on their phone the whole time, not being very attentive, humor is low and so is the charisma and charm. You probably think a lot of times that they are more boring and uninteresting now.
Both parties need to realize, if you think your partner is different from when you first met them.
It's not about who are they now. But who are you at work vs who are you when you are at home.
When affairs happen, the big lie is not the affair. It's the "not knowing who or what is going on".
She goes into basically saying the couples that remain erotic with each other, are the couples that give a certain level of attention to one another.
Thats done by making new experiences to create excitement, which creates growth for the relationship. That scientifically creates testosterone. And from a biology perspective, growth involves exploration, curiosity, and risk-taking.
How it relates to business
Creating a balanced relationship has to involve new experiences. This is exactly how business is at the same time. You have to involve risk.
With no risk, there is no reward. What led to that risk, is the curiosity of not knowing if your new found method will work or not, but that belief of knowing it'll work is what pushed you into that risk of exploration.
Personal Insight/ How can you manage balance?
I agree that affairs are not one-sided even though the one who is effected feels worse due to it being betrayed not just by the action, but by the not knowing of the actions the led to what happened.
You can find balance by taking a spontaneous trip somewhere. It doesn't have to be expensive, and it doesn't mean you have to travel out of the country or different state.
It does have to be somewhere you both haven't been in awhile or at all though. It can be free too. Everybody likes free, even billionaires. But time is priceless.
Question #4: Are we going to have to accept monogamy?
Esther covers this questions by primarily saying, monogamy means i'm the chosen one. I'm unique & if i'm not the only one, there is no way I'm not enough.
There will always be people who need to be in committed relationships, & there are others who don't need to be. The ones who don't need need to be in committed relationships need to have those open doors from the start.
The ones who want or need committed relationships need to realize you can't change those who don't want or need a committed relationship. It's just who they are, and that's also their career. It's not because they can't be committed, it's just how their sexual brain is structured.
She also essentially goes into saying that there was a Swedish philosopher, who said:
"Monogamy only exists in reality, never in fantasies or dreams"
And we must also realize monogamy is a practice and a choice.
Something I love that Esther says is, is this:
"In the era of self-fulfillment & the right to happiness. We don't have more desires than the previous generations, we just feel entitled to fulfill our desires & have the right to happiness".
How it relates to business
I view this question as how does it not relate to business? Depending on how you work or depending on where you are at in building your business or potential empire. Depends on if you personally think you need to be in a committed relationship, or should for that matter.
For example: If you are a full-time student and you are building your drop-shipping business. Regardless of age. Ask yourself this question:
"Do you have, or will you want to put forth more energy and time into being in a committed relationship?"
Personal Insight/ How can you manage balance
Personally, just like love, I do believe monogamy is a choice. It does take practice like anything else you want to go after in life. I also believe that this generation is not lazy, but is entitled to not work just for "money", but rather for purpose and knowing that what they are working for is going towards more than just a paycheck
How can you find balance? You can find balance by this analogy I heard a while back.
Relationships are like a bowl of your favorite ice cream: When two people come together. both should have a bowl of ice cream full of their favorite flavors. Each of those flavors should represent your passions, hobbies, interests, and whatever else keeps your life erotic and thrilling.
When they start seeing each other, thats when you add your favorite toppings, like cherries, sprinkles, caramel or chocolate sauce if that is your forte.
Meaning, my life is good on it's own, but having you in it is making it even sweeter and I can't wait build our lives together.
Question #5: Should we focus on ourself, or look for the right partner when you are under 30?
Esther basically replies: The idea and concept of growing yourself first and then creating a small space to look for someone is all fictional. You should grow and look through relationships.
You do need a good source of self-awareness but you also need people because people make you self-aware.
In the end, relationships help you become who you are.
How this relates to business
Just like finding your passion, or trying new ways to work towards your passion. Trail and error is the only true way to find out where that lies and is.
Relationships are the exact same. You grow and learn through dating new people or working through different problems in your current relationship.
If you are not willing to learn, you are not willing to grow.
Personal insight/ How can you manage balance?
When I first heard this, I was surprised this was the answer but it made sense to me once she explained it further. I agree with this as well.
If you feel you are ready to dive into a relationship, put your effort into finding one and grow into one. If you aren't thats okay, it's your choice and as long as you make your mindset clear upfront to the other person. You have done your part.
How can you manage balance? You find yourself in relationships by growing through relationships. If you are having problems, are you willing to work through those problems with your partner.
If you aren't, then you are doing not only your partner a disservice by waisting there time even more, but also yourself from truly being happy.
Listening to this podcasts has not only opened my mindset to realizing you don't have to be alone to focus on building your business or your work.
However; if you have a busy schedule, adding a relationship may not be the best move if you are still hard at work and building towards your business.
You want to make sure you can give the time and energy towards someone else the same way you give energy towards your potential or actual relationship! Otherwise it's not fair to them.
I will say if you are in a relationship and you are having problems with your partner. Open your mind to realize it goes both ways to create communication. It's obvious that your partner can't guess whats going on, but if you are reading this now. I'm assuming you haven't been completely open to your partner or you may feel they haven't been completely open to you.
This probably isn't the first time you've had arguments. So instead of you vs your partner, think about it as an "us", and how can you solve them so you both can win.
If your partner doesn't know what you need and vice versa, you both are going to have the same problems and the relationship will fail later on. You guys are a team, with no communication. There is no relationship, only roommates.
If you want to hear the podcast in full heres a link so you can listen to the full podcast. I guarantee you'll love what they have to say!
If you are interested in this blog, you may also be interested in these as well!
If you loved these tips, and want to support me: Check out the books and links I provided. I am affiliated with those products and earn a commission on them anytime you buy through one of my links.
I do posts at least one time a week and every time it's done based on deep-research/facts mixed with personal experiences and things I learn day by day.
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